The other day, a sweet mom messaged me and asked if I had any suggestions on how she could cope with missing her newly flown child.
I know she’s not alone in wondering this. This is SO HARD. What do we do? How are we supposed to feel? How do we get through this? Will this ache ever ease up a little (notice I did not say go away)?
This is what I told her…and what I’m telling myself a lot these days as I’m fiercely missing my own away-from-home big kids.
First of all, give yourself lots of grace and time to adjust to this huge change. You’ve had so many years one way with your child; it is natural and right to take time to adjust to a new way. It honors what you’ve had…and loved.
If what you’re feeling seems like loss, that’s because it is. You’re feeling the loss of the way things have been. It’s entirely natural — necessary, even — to mourn the departure of a person from the places we’re used to seeing them, from their physical presence in our daily lives.
Don’t expect yourself to know how to do something you’ve never done before. Even if you’ve already sent a child out into the world, you haven’t sent THIS child out….or, if you have, you haven’t sent them out at this exact time.
Find yourself some supporters…the kind who won’t “at least” or “it will be okay” you out of what you’re feeling. This life-without-your-big-kid business is a tender time, and you’re going to need some people willing to sit with you in that tenderness rather than trying to rush you out of it.
Tell your team what you need. I finally had to tell my husband not to ask me if I’d heard from our college daughter. I promised I’d keep him in the loop. But I also explained to him that when I hadn’t heard from her, his question only reinforced that painful fact. Sometimes, our supporters need a little guidance to know what’s helpful…and what’s not.
Make a look-forward-to list. In our family, we say that looking forward to something is half the fun of it, and if there’s ever a time when you need extra fun in life, it’s when you’re aching for your out-of-the-house college or military, or career, or newlywed kid.
Tackle a to-do project. In the early days after we moved my last baby to college, I finally dove into the great hangout room clean-out project. I channeled my angst and started throwing and giving things away with ruthless detachment. While I was doing it, I was mercifully distracted from thinking EVERY SECOND about how much I missed my daughter. And every time I walked into the room after it was done, I felt a fresh sense of peace—an invaluable commodity during the settling-in season.
Trust that you will gradually find new ways to connect with your away-from-you big kid and feed your relationship. You have equipped your child to love and give because you have loved and given to them. To watch them do this will fill you with fresh pride and joy. And no matter how old your kids are or where they are, there will always be ways for you to love them well.
by Elizabeth Spencer